Podcast episode #2 of the Barrier Breakers Podcast.
Jonathan Reitz and Gary Rohrmayer explore what it means for your church to have a conversion orientation.
Barrier Breakers Podcast–Episode #2: Does Your Church Have a Conversion Orientation?
Coaching
13 Things You Can Learn from Recording Your Coaching Sessions
One of the practices we insist on in CoachNet’s coach training is that coaches get into the habit of recording their coaching sessions so that they can objectively evaluate what they’re doing well–and where they can improve.
Listening to a recording of your own voice can be painful. No one–I mean, NO ONE–thinks their voice sounds like it does on a recording. (The reality is that our voices sound differently in our heads than they do on a recording, because we hear ourselves mostly through our own heads and not through our ears.)
But over the last 15 years, most of the real growth I’ve had as a coach has come from listening to my actual coaching sessions after the fact.
Here are 13 things I’ve learned from listening to recordings of my coaching sessions:
- I don’t connect with people as smoothly as I’d like. The most glaring change I have made in my coaching is to really listen to how my clients are doing in the first few minutes of each session. I have a tendency to gloss over what they’re actually saying and to miss key information about where they really are. My agenda for the session often takes over!
- My questions don’t always include context. General, open-ended questions are the lifeblood of coaching, but without some real context, they are not as powerful as I want them to be. Real breakthrough only comes with context.
- The best question is personal. If I can ask the same question to multiple clients, I should re-think what I’m going to say.
- Silence is my friend, and it never lasts as long as I feel like it is. Three to five seconds of silence NEVER feels out of place in a coaching conversation…even when I’m DYING for a client to fill it. That quiet time is a gift I’m giving to the person being coached, and I snatch the gift away when I jump in too soon.
- The client’s tone and pace in conversation speaks volumes. When they pause or think for a moment, or stumble over a few words, there’s a reason. A large portion of the breakthroughs my clients have come when I ask about a change in tone, or an extra few seconds of silence. The client will tell you when they are having a new insight, you just have to listen.
- Coaching facilitates new learning better than any other approach. Every good coach helps their clients get stuff done. Excellent coaches draw new self knowledge or insight out of their clients. That kind of wisdom only comes from follow up questions or observation.
- Consulting is easy, and often, not helpful. My own advice or input flows much too easily. Coaches draw out…of the CLIENT. Learn to resist the urge to push something into the conversation. And when you’re drawing out, BE QUIET. Let the client talk through what they’re thinking and feeling.
- The relationship is everything. When a client trusts their coach, you have permission to ask the hard question. The hard question is what separates you from every other relationship the client has.
- My own language doesn’t matter. When I get too caught up in what I’m saying or how I’m saying it, understanding and clarity are lost. I’ve made a new commitment to using the client’s language because of my recordings. This also allows you to tailor your conversation to each individual client.
- Letting a little time pass between the session and listening to the recording helps me be more objective. If I can remember for sure what I said in a coaching session, I’m probably not going to get as much from the recording. I need to be surprised by what I hear, and then I can evaluate whether it was helpful.
- When I’m coaching well, I don’t say much. The client has complete control of the agenda for the conversation, and I’m there to partner with them so that they can get where they want to go. A good rule of thumb is 80% of the time the client is speaking, and I only yak 20% or less.
- Humor is only helpful when it draws coach and client closer. A joke helps to diffuse tension, and makes the relationship authentic. BUT without a real sense of when and how much, it’s easy to distract the client from what they’re there to work on.
- You don’t need to record every session. I find that it’s a good habit to evaluate each client once or twice over the life of a relationship. I like to review one session early in a relationship and one near the end of each agreement. That helps me get a sense of how willing I am to serve each client on their terms and not mine.
So, do you listen to your coaching sessions? What have you learned? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
How Your Coaching Relationships Are Like Your Relationship with God
Sometimes a book that has nothing to do with coaching or leadership will change how you view an important piece of your coaching practice. As I read a book by Skye Jethani recently, I felt my coaching practice shifting under my feet.
Skye Jethani is the editor of Leadership Journal, a podcaster (as a part of the Phil Vischer Podcast), author and speaker. He’s one of theose guys that runs in Christian leadership circles, but doesn’t make headlines for any of the excesses we’ve seen too much of over the last few years.
In 2011, Skye Jethani put out a book with the simple title of With.
Without revealing everything that’s in this book (which you should read, by the way…click on the cover image and you’ll be taken to the book’s page on Amazon–Affiliate link), Jethani begins by descrbing four common sets of expecations Christians have for God, and then suggests a better way. I see a lot of coaching relationships along this same vein.
In With, Jethani describes:
- Life from God–We engage God on our terms and expect blessings to flow our way, basically on demand from God. But we have no day-to-day experience in connecting to God. What we’re saying to God: I want what you can do for me, not you.
- Life over God–We engage tols from all around us in an effort to catalyze activity and control the actions of the people around us (and yourself); in the process, leaving no room for God to act. What we’re saying to God: you aren’t acting fast enough or accurately enough for my plan so I’m taking over.
- Life for God–We organize our lives so that we can claim that what we want its impact for God and demonstrate results that can clearly and esily be connected as God-honoring. What we’re saying to God: what we really want is more impact than others (who waste their impact–allegedly).
- Life under God–We make a deal with God and do what God wants so he’ll protect me, and those important to me. What we’re saying to God: I’m afraid of you, but I still all your protection on my side so that I don’t have to worry about myself or the people who are important to me.
Pretty convicting profiles, huh? Jethani goes on to describe another way forward Life WITH God. (Get the book title now?) It’s really good, and I recommend you checking it out.
As I read With, I couldn’t help seeing my coaching relationships through a similar lens. Now, let’s just eliminate any confusion: I’m not suggesting coaches are Gods or that a coaching relationship has any saving power.
I will plant the seed that the very lessons Skye Jethani is calling us to understand for our relationship to our creator can apply to how we interact with our clients.
How many of these relationships seem familiar to you? Read the following scenarios, and check out the suggested coaching strategies.
- Results from the Coach–A client comes to you to engage you because you have been effective with someone he/she knows. The want you to do for them what you did for ________________.
- What the client is saying to you: I’m looking for a silver bullet.
- Coaching Strategy: Engage the client on the details of THEIR situation. While there might be parallels to the other person’s situation, you’ll need to find the uniqueness of THIS client’s circumstances.
- Results over the Coach—The client has a new idea or tool in every session, and wants to figure out how to apply every single one to their situation. ANYTHING to get an edge. Effort is not the problem, and neither is focus. The challenge is choosing the right tool for the job and not the next tool.
- What the client is saying to you: I’m not going to miss opportunities like other people do.
- Coaching Strategy: Engage the client around the benefits of each tool and help them categorize where/when each tool might be helpful.
- Results for the Coach–The client seems to have plenty of motivation, and is happy to point out everything they accomplish to you, their coach. Every session will begins with a long recitation of all their accomplishments since last session. No further progress can be explored until the coach signs off or gives approval.
- What the client is saying to you: I really want your approval.
- Coaching Strategy: Dig beneath the surface of the accomplishments and explore how the client stays personally motivated. Ask coaching questions like “What gives you the most personal satisfaction?” and “How do you know you’re making the most progress?”
- Results under the Coach–This is the least common of the four coaching connections, and usually only comes up when a coaching relationship is assigned or is required by some outside circumstance. The client will go through the motions of the coaching conversation, and will look to only do the absolute minimum in order to satisfy the demands of the coaching agreement.
- What the client is saying to you: I don’t really think this will do anything for me.
- Coaching Strategy: Focus on the progress in the relationship. If you can help the client realize that he/she is moving toward a new future, you can build trust with the client. This is especially powerful when the client realizes that they are learning that they themselves can change and make different choices.
And just like in the With book, there is another way forward as well: Results With The Coach.
In this relationship, coach and client work powerfully together. The conversation engages both people at a deep level.
The client turns to the coach as a trusted resource…even outside of scheduled coaching conversations.
The coach is confident in their own skills and the foundation on which the relationship to fully let the client set the agenda and lead the conversation.
The client is fully invested in coaching, to the point of coming to each session 100% prepared and ready to work.
The coach is also prepared and defaults to listening at all times. When the time is right, a specific question with context gets asked.
The client responds thoughtfully to every question and learns about themselves, their situation and the actions.
When done well, coaching is powerful and empowering for the client. This is what *Results With The Coach means. The client gains confidence AND accomplishes their goals.
What strategies do you use to assess when your client has moved into from, over, for or under your coaching? How do you get back to WITH? I’d love to hear your comments!
Why Some Coaches Almost Always Encourage Their Clients
In a recent training, I had one of those moments where you could almost see the lightbulb turn on over the other person’s head.
The group had been working on listening skills, and the student was trying out their new skills on me. “What I think you’re saying is that one of the prime jobs of a coach is to encourage the person you’re coaching.”
Yep. They were getting it. The lightbulb was on, but I could also see that this realization was troubling.
And then they dropped the bomb.
“But what if the coach themselves is feeling discouraged…even about their own coaching? What do I do then?”
Mirroring a client’s comments/posture/behavior is a powerful way to build relationship or develop direct communication. That same mirroring–intentional or not–can also share less-than-positive outcomes/mindsets between coach and client.
A coach’s behavior/posture is contagious to the client. This is all good when the coach is a positive, upbeat place, but when life gets the better of a coach, what do you do?
[Tweet “”One of the prime jobs of a coach is to encourage the person you’re coaching.” –@jonathanreitz”]Every coach bumps up against this at some point. You know the client needs an encouraging word or question, and there’s just nothing in the tank for you to offer.
Usually, a lack of self care causes this Empty Tank Syndrome, but there are strategies a coach can use to manage the disconnect between the difference in your levels of optimism or encouragement.
Here are seven things you can do to put yourself in the gap beween coach and client:
Reflect on what is causing your discouragement. Sometimes just admitting what has gotten you down takes care of it.
Talk to your coach. Coaches are encouragers, and that is one of the main things a client receives from their coach. You should be tapping into this source as well. Every coach should HAVE a coach!
Evaluate your calendar. Personally, the most common source of discouragement for me is when I have too much going on and not enough space between commitments. One of the most encouraging moments I face is when I wrap up and remove projects from my calendar/To Do list. The freedom that comes with that clean up is exhilarating!
Pray. Coaching is a calling. Getting in touch (or back in touch) with the source of that calling is like taking a drink of cold water on a hot day.
Get some continuing education. Often discouragement comes when a coach feels like their skills have fallen into a rut. Attend a training event or coach’s gathering to add new energy to your practice.
Exercise. If I’m really honest about it, this is the one I do the least of…and it’s probably the one that makes the most difference. Your mood can change dramatically with just 10–20 minutes of movement. And that is contagious.
Engage the practice of gratitude. For most Americans in general and most coaches in particular, there are many more reasons to be thankful than to focus on where we’re left wanting or missing something else. Investing in a practice of gratitude can help you focus on what you have and not what you’re missing.
So what are your thoughts? What do you do as a coach to put yourself in a position to be as helpful as possible to your clients, even when your personal outlook is less-than-inspiring? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Do You Recognize the 7 Early Warning Signs of A Coach in Trouble?
Every coach gets it when the coaching conversation is going well. Every question builds on the last, and your client makes more progress than you could have imagined!
But what about when it’s not going well? Do you recoginize The 7 Early Warning Signs of A Coach in Trouble?
- Sign #1: The coach doesn’t notice when they or their client isn’t being real. Coaches in Trouble often have an authenticity problem. Whether there just isn’t enough relational connection or there’s something flat out deceptive going on, the coach has to be able to assess whether their client is being 100% transparent.
- Sign #2: The client isn’t cutting through the surface stuff and dealing with the causative issues. I think about a slide in an old version of Natural Church Development coach training that talked about the Emotional Toll Booth. Bob Logan used to talk about how you have to pay the emotional price BEFORE you can move on to the root causes. A Coach in Trouble doesn’t want to deal with the emotions that come with deep change.
- Sign #3: The coach misses opportunities to tailor their language to the client’s language. Coaches in Trouble talk past their clients by sticking to coaching jargon and other verbiage that the client doesn’t understand. Rather than insist the client your lingo, an effective coach tailors their word choice to match the client’s vocabulary.
- Sign #4: The coach’s brand doesn’t match who they really are. This is CRUCIAL for coaches, because the most effective coaching relationships have to flow out of who you are and how you are. Cultivating an inaccurate professional image is the fastest way to ensure that your coaching relationships are ineffective.
- Sign #5: The coach doesn’t know their own gifts. A lack of knowledge about your own giftedness lays the foundation for a mismatched professional brand and accelerates trouble for the coach. Let me coach you a bit, here in the blog: What gifts do you have for coaching? How do you communicate those gifts? Maybe a harder question is “What gifts for coaching do you WISH you had?” The language you use must describe your actual gifts and not your ideal gifts so your clients know what they can expect from you.
- Sign #6: The coach misses opportunities to help the client understand THEIR gifts. A lack of personal clarity travels from person to person. Learning to be aware of your own giftedness makes you aware of the gifts of the people around you. Coaches in Trouble need massive doses of this–STAT!
- Sign #7: The coach only focuses on results, and ignores growth. Coach skills transfer very easily when you have a focused set of outcomes to achieve. But the International Coach Federation prioritizes coaching to facilitate learning over coaching for results. How can you resist the temptation to just check things off your client’s To Do list and to dig beneath the surface into growth areas?
What other signs have you seen? What advice would you give to coaches to stay on track?