Coaching

The Best Kind of Self-ish

In a recent post, we looked at three ways you can be self-oriented and have it benefit your coaching practice. But in this blog post, we’re going to look at the most important self-oriented idea of all for coach: the idea of self regulation.

girl with duct tape — ]2 That’s going to sting.

We’ve all heard the statement “Just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean that you should do it.” That’s the core of self regulation. When you combine your self-awareness (the ability to monitor what you’re thinking and feeling as it’s happening) and your self-efficacy (your own assessment of what you can actually do), you get a pretty clear picture of what actions are within your reach. You might even take a moment and list out all of your options in a given situation.

But then self-regulation becomes an important control. Once you have clarity on what is within your reach–especially in terms of your behavioral options–self-regulation is the ability to choose to act in the best possible way. Just under the surface of the idea of self-regulation is a value for coming up with solutions that are not only true to your own interests, but also for the interests of the other people with whom you have relationships. Self-regulation is a two-way street, good for you and for the people around you.

So how does this benefit a coaching relationship? When a coach makes self-regulated decisions, good effects come not only to the coach but also to the client. When a client is self-regulated, the coaching relationship benefits and the coach becomes more effective.

Growing in self-regulation means being true to your personal values, even when it’s less-than-enjoyable to maintain that commitment. Being self-regulated also pulls the people around you up…because of your commitment.

Sometimes, The Questions Will Surprise You!

I got this email this morning from a coach–Jonathan Wright of Wichita, KS (@jonathanwwright) we trained a couple summers ago.

Really, It's a coaching image! (Mysterious ways, huh?) — ]1 Really, It’s a coaching image! (Mysterious ways, huh?)

“Seriously…a few weeks ago while coaching someone I thought to ask… “What if you could have a beer with Jesus?” (There was a context for this.) I was surprised at the new line of thought that this prompted. I’ve used it twice since then with additional success. It was especially handy when they felt or it appeared they were at the end of new thought, kinda stuck in a box of reason, mixed things up a little. Thought I’d share.”

This can be really helpful observation. If you got a client who’s stuck or having a hard time coming up with new thoughts, a wacky, out-there question can be just the thing. The goofy question disarms the client in a fun way, and new breakthroughs can happen as a result. What’s the strangest question you’ve ever asked–as a coach? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Ok, now for a moment of shameless, self-promotion. Jonathan Wright added “FYI though, it is not original with me it comes from a country song. I gotta tell you for what I do in the kingdom the coaching skills I am learning are HUGE for those I have the opportunity to influence. CoachNet is a blessing!”

Say What You Mean

One of the biggest challenges a coach faces is to get their client to say what they actually mean, or actually want.

Articulating in a coaching relationship often makes the difference between the client reaching their goals, or not reaching them. At the starting point of a coaching relationship or coaching conversation, how do you have your client say where they actually are? Or summarize the key issues of what makes this situation something they want to change?

Bold questions that investigate behavior, attitudes, and motivation are the best strategy for helping a client understande their starting point. But don’t just stop with asking the question. Ask your client to summarize their starting point – articulating clearly in their own words – the place where they actually are.

Then when you’re taking some time to think about where the client wants to end up, do the same thing. Ask bold questions that focus on behavior, attitude and motivation and then ask the client to articulate where they actually want to end up.

The differences between these two points – where you’re starting and where you want to end up – is often the difference with between highly effective coaching conversations, and ones that fall a little bit flat. The more clarity you can help your client again the more effective you’ll be.

How to Coach for Progress that Makes a Difference

Too many coaching relationships brainstorm action steps that seem good at time…but in the bigger picture, don’t really take the person being coached anywhere close to what they’re trying to accomplish.

When coaching a client toward outcomes, there are two different kinds of progress worth drawing out:

Learable change — ]1 You know, book learnin’.

Learnable progress: measured by what a client learns during the course of pursuing a new goal. This might be research, new skills, insight learning, or other meaningful knowledge that’s acquired during the course of pursuing a particular goal. This also can include character-development and other internal growth components. The core component is that this new information must change the client’s thinking on one or more levels.

Observable change — ]2 Change that you see…and believe in!

Observable progress: By setting the right goals and choosing the right action steps, measuring progress should be clearly visible to the naked eye. Observation is the core of any good change system. Effective coaches help mark starting points and note when the scenery around their clients change because they’re moving forward.

It’s crucial to note while both kinds of progress are just that, progress. For the coaching you do to be it’s most effective, there has to be progress toward something. Vision–the bigger picture–has to drive. If your clients can describe how what they’re learning in your coaching relationship is pushing them toward their vision, that’s helpful progress. Observable progress toward your vision is helpful as well.

3 Rules for Relational Integrity in Coaching

Old phone — Is this the party to whom I’m speaking?

“What I just heard you say is that however you are acting or feeling in real life, you bring those actions into your coaching relationships.”

Wow. I really couldn’t hide. I had to be me.

Now, why that scared me is another topic for another post, but it absolutely taught me something. If coaching effectiveness really does rise and fall with the strength of the relationship between coach and client, the same challenges you face in every relationship will show up in your coaching.

If you’re generous and charitable, chances are that’s how you’ll be as a coach. If you’re quick to judge or leap to a conclusion, that is most likely going to show up in your coaching relationships. It’s a hard reality to admit that both character strengths and character gaps show up–even when you are operating in your coaching wheelhouse!

Launching a coaching relationship well can minimize both the unrealistic high points and disturbing low points that come any time two people are in a relationship. Being proactive about what you bring to the conversation–positive and negative–goes a long way toward ensuring that your relational integrity stays intact.

Here are three things to pay attention to as you launch, so that who you are becomes your biggest personal asset in your coaching.

1) Make sure that both people in the coaching relationship fully opt in. This can look like any number of things, from actually asking “hey do you want this coaching relationship to happen?” all the way to checking in with your client throughout your relationship to ensure that they are still fully bought in. Like a buy-in-or a loss of buy-in-is one of the single most common things that sidetracks coaching relationships. There’s a great rule of thumb: if you have any doubt at all, ask about it. Don’t leave this to chance.

2) When challenges come up (and they will), settle disagreements well. Talk through challenges. Use Matthew 18. Be sure to ask the other person what’s going on, and listen closely to what they say. Above all, if the fault is yours on it. Be sure to take advantage of the opportunity that your relationship gives you to apologize, if it’s needed. Nothing renews the energy and vigor in a coaching relationship faster than settling a disagreement thoroughly and well.

3) Agree on the intentionality of your relationship. This is not a relationship where you’re hanging out, or enjoy each others company, although you will probably do some of that during your coaching time. This is a relationship that is designed to facilitate some kind of change. That only happens if your intentional about what you’re trying to accomplish. As you’re nailing down you the exact intention that you need, remember ideas #1 and #2 are likely to come up. You may have to check on buy in, and you may have to sell a disagreement or two–even in the early stages of your relationship as you get going.

By watching these three areas closely you can launch and maintain coaching relationships being exactly who you are. It not only establishes relational integrity but it allows for relational authenticity. The combination of integrity and authenticity will make any relationship stronger.

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Coaching

So, what is YOUR cause?

Let’s talk about getting you focused on the thing(s) that get you up in the morning…or what keeps you up at night!

Let’s talk about getting you focused on the thing(s) that get you up in the morning…
or what keeps you up at night!