Coaching

Coaching is like Jazz…

Based on the feedback I got on my last post, I’ve decided to run with this idea a little bit. These posts are going to be a little bit about coaching, but more about a lifestyle–you know, a way of life.

Maybe it’s a lifestyle of coaching, but I’d like to think of it as a life influenced by coaching skills…changed and informed by coaching skills.

Starting with a question changes things. I dream about that difference. You’re forced to put yourself and your thoughts on the back burner and really pay attention to the other person. You open yourself to a relationship. That takes nerve as well as skill.

Think about it like music. Music requires a relationship.

Someone plays or sings. Someone listens. Two equal parts with different roles and different responsibilities.

Without one portion of the relationship, the music is incomplete. Without the musician, there is no music. Without the listener, what did the music really accomplish?

For music to achieve it’s ultimate aim–to make people feel something–both participants in the relationship feed off each other. The listener welcomes the musician onto the stage or into the spotlight, and invites them to offer something. The musician shares their giftedness…the listener responds. The listener claps…the musician is inspired. It cycles like this in some pretty incredible ways–check out John Coltrane, BB King, Yo Yo Ma, Vince Gill or Kanye’s work.

When you find an artist you like, you start to form a relationship with the artist. When it works, there’s nothing like it.

The relationship goes both ways. And without both parts, something is missing.

Starting with a question sets you up the same way. You invite the otherperson to offer something. When/if they do, you get to share your reaction, just like when you go listen to your favorite musician.

Coaching is much the same. The coach might welcome the person being coached with a question. The leader offers something. The coach responds. The relationship takes off.

That’s the lifestyle of coaching.

What do you think? What would happen if you offered something in your next conversation, even an invitation for the other person to respond? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments…

I have a dream.

I know, it’s not an original line. But I do. I have a significant dream. It’s about change…well, a very specific change. Imagine a world where people stop making statements, and start leading with questions.

Think about what this would do for us…our attention would immediately be taken off ourselves and put on the person standing in front of us. We’d begin to explore another part of the world, a part that doesn’t revolve around us. The other person would feel empowered and challenged to share their world with us.

We would all become more generous, and that is a good thing.

We’d all become aware of things, ideas, issues, concerns and opportunities that otherwise would miss our attention. It wouldn’t take long. But the change would potentially be enormous. We’d build relationships, and community. We’d be connected IN REAL LIFE and not just on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or some other technology.

None of us would be alone, except when our chosen daily rhythms helped us prepare to focus on another person.

Think of the effect this would have on your family, your work, your neighborhood, your church and even your prayer life.

You’d know what to pray for.
You’d know your neighbors.
You’d know your kids.
You’d know more about the mission your company is tackling.
You’d know your friends.
You might even know your God better.

It’s simple to do. Start with a question–ideally one that’s a little different than “How are you?” Maybe try “What did you wake up thinking about today?” or “What are you noticing about your faith these days?” That’s all it takes. It starts a different kind of conversation, the kind that goes beneath the surface and opens up new possibilities for connection, conversation and even friendship.

True confession: Asking questions does not come naturally to me. It really doesn’t, even after all these years of coaching. It’s all learned behavior for me, but I sure like what it does. I’ve made friends, found coaching clients, and even met my wife…all by starting with questions.

Imagine what it could do for you!

Got a question you think would start a conversation well? What is it? I’d love to see it in the comments below!

Who is your Mentor? And what are they doing for you?

I have a coach. Well, he’s really more of a mentor. But he coaches me. Although, sometimes, it really is mentoring that he’s doing…

When my coach–who is a Master Certified Coach–and I talk, I tell him what agenda I want to face. He listens, usually with a few clarifying questions to make sure he really gets what I’m talking about. He’ll ask a few questions get me thinking about some new idea or direction. Sessions almost always end with “What are you going to do?” or “How did we do working on your agenda/goal?”

Two guitarists
But there have been the occasional conversation where I just have to say to him “What advice could you give me about this?” or “What would you do in this situation?”

In those moments, I don’t want him to coach me…I want him to mentor.

Did you know January is National Mentoring Month? (Before you ask…there’s an International Coaching Week in May.

Power flows in relationship. Most of us know we can go it alone, but do the good things really come when you’re off isolated, by yourself? You know there’s a reason Jesus sent the disciples out 2 by 2, right?

Not being isolated means youve got to make a choice. You always have to CHOOSE to have someone else alongside you, walking the path, going on the journey with you.

Enter the wave of Mentors.
There’s a movement in the world to make mentors. Somewhere along the way, we realized that there is wisdom living in other people AND that we need a repeatable process to transfer wisdom from the-person-who-has-it to the-person-who-needs-it.

Everywhere you look, Radical Mentoring is a conference sponsor. The media has picked it up. Here is a recent article about finding a mentor and the site for The Mentoring Project, an interesting approach to using mentorship to address the father wound. Learn more here. Even Steve Harvey–yes, the guy from Family Feud is getting in on the mentoring wave

This is important to understand, but how does that apply to you, my high powered coach friend? How do you decide if the other person is a coach or a mentor or a coach?

How about a couple basic definitions:
Mentor: A person that has specific skills that are easily observable and possibly learnable. You might be able to pick up new skills or acquire new abilities from their experience. Here’s the challenge: mentoring only works if the person being mentored can name the specific skill that they want.

Coach: A person that has learned how to draw out what’s already in another person. My conviction is that coaching is best for creative breakthroughs. It also works better when you don’t come into a particular conversation with a specific destination in mind. The mental picture I like truly alongside.

The big difference? Who’s got the answers. And how much teaching is going on. In a mentor relationship, the mentor has the know how and the experience. And it’s ready to be taught to the other person. In a coaching conversation, the person being coached has everything they need to move forward, and the coach is there to draw it out of them. No teaching involved.

Think about a music lesson. An experienced teacher would never coach growth out of a new guitarist. Imagine this exchange:

“What do you want to play?”
“Stairway to Heaven.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“I don’t know. What chord does it start with?”
“What chord do you think it starts with?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know what key it’s in.”
“What key do you think it’s in?”

Not going anywhere helpful, is it?

But a mentor approach might sound like this:

“What do you want to play?”
“Stairway to Heaven.”
“Ok. It starts with these two chords and a finger picking pattern. Let me show you…”

And music is made.

See the difference? Which one comes more naturally to you? Which one has more power for you and your relationships? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

How to Give Yourself the Best Shot at Accomplishing Your New Year’s Plans

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.
–Lao Tzu

Ok, anyone else ready to gag? It’s January 3…72 hours into the new year. How many 1000 mile journeys have we already begun this year? I mean, seriously…

I know I can manage a single step. I can do it! I’m building myself up. I have the power! One step will lead to another step, which will lead to a third step, and before I even realize, I’m sure I’ll have traveled 300 miles or so…

And that’s almost 1000, right?

We all start with the best of intentions. We all start saying “This year, it’s going to be different…” But is it? How many years are we going to talk about this being the year, and I’ll never let that happen again, and no one can stop me, and no mountain is too high, and kiss these 15 extra pounds goodbye.

And I can do it!

Ok, let’s just stop. We’re at the point in the New Year where the energy and enthusiasm for all those changes we were going to make has begun to wane. The thought has begun to creep into our minds that maybe, just maybe the way we have always been isn’t so bad…we can stay this way a little longer. It will be ok.

And you know what? It will be ok.

But here’s the thing, what if ok isn’t what we’re called to be? What if ok falls short of awesome? What if you could be awesome if it weren’t for all of those stupid resolutions?

Here’s my theory: we make all these promises to ourselves at the beginning of a new year about how everything is going to be different. We’re going to make changes. We’re going to be better than ok. But we do it on a whim, and we try to do it by ourselves. We’re going to be ok on our own efforts…and no one can tell us otherwise. It never works. It’s not bad, and it’s certainly not a disaster, but it’s not the changed live that fills our dreams.

How about a dose of reality…Going on the way we’ve always gone on is–for the most part–ok. Most of us have pretty good lives. Nothing bad–or at least nothing too bad–would happen if we just kept on doing what we’re currently doing. (Now, if your life is a disaster or you’re in danger, the rest of this post still might apply to you, but the urgency level should go WAY up…you NEED to follow the advice I’m about to give.)

But if you really want to make a change, here’s what has to happen: Find someone to go on the journey with you. You can NOT go alone. Admittedly, I’m biased…I think that person should be a coach. But even if it’s not, the journey of 1000 miles begins when TWO (or more) people take the first step. So, who’s going with you?

Here’s why this works: nobody has high levels of motivation all the time. Nobody can see the next step every time out. Nobody knows the right thing to say in every situation. I’d guess–and this is only a guess–that most of us hit the nail on the head between 50 and 70% of the time. Better than half, but certainly not 100% of the time.

BUT…when you put two or more people with success rates like that on the same journey, your chances go way up. Motivation is much easier to come by. Vision becomes clearer. Encouraging words become the norm and not the exception. Everything seems easier.

But we still launch out on all these New Year, New Me Projects all by ourselves. Every. Single. Year.

Why do we do that?

As you find your motivation for your new year changes flagging, ask yourself:
– How bad would it be if I stayed the same?
– What’s the worst that could happen if I do?

If you can’t stay the same, a couple more questions come to mind:
– What are your next steps?
– And who’s going to make them with you–as a partner, a participant, a coach, or as a cheerleader?

The Question Every Effective Coach Should Ask…Before Every Session

In advanced coach training, one of the most enjoyable sections is the case study approach that unpacks how particular coaches handle a challenging coaching situation. The details are different every time, but what’s really fascinating is that every coach approaches these case studies differently. Some are strategic and focus on the big picture. Some are tactical and drive their questions toward specific next steps. Others focus on asking the right question or wonder aloud about the relational impact of working together over time. Every coach has their own approach, and the approaches are as different as the coaches themselves.

But there is one key question that every coach MUST ask as they prepare for a coaching session: “What can I do in this session to serve this client in the way they need most?” A coaching relationship exists so that the coach can help the client systematically address their key issues, but with an eye toward the reality that the client knows the key issues better than the coach. No matter what you think you know, the client absolutely knows what’s what better than you do. That’s where the question comes it.

What would it look like for you to really roll your sleeves up and get to work with your clients?

Answering this question scares a lot of coaches. The answer might mean adapting your coaching style to fit the client. Or it might mean asking the client how the coaching relationship is going. Or even kicking your commitment to listening up to a new level. Bottom line, when you ask yourself about serving your client the way they need to be served, you are committing to make it about them and not about you. And you have a chance to roll your sleeves up and commit to serving the client. Will you?

Coaching at highest level is always about the client—their situation, the underlying challenges of their situation, their personality, their growth, and most of all, the client’s results. Coaching is about drawing the best out the client at every turn, and that’s not about you, the coach.

What other questions do you ask yourself in preparation for your coaching sessions? What must-ask-yourself question would you suggest that other coaches use? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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Coaching

So, what is YOUR cause?

Let’s talk about getting you focused on the thing(s) that get you up in the morning…or what keeps you up at night!

Let’s talk about getting you focused on the thing(s) that get you up in the morning…
or what keeps you up at night!