Thought Exchange: The Blog of Jonathan Reitz

A lot of great conversation has come my way as a result of the blog posts over the last week. Thanks! Keep it coming!

A common theme has emerged: people like the idea of committing their energy/effort toward accomplishing someone else’s agenda. Human beings like to be generous toward other humans.

But sometimes it goes off track. Sometimes we can help it, and we just have to make it about ourselves. Even as coaches, sometimes we just can’t resist the urge to offer that suggestion or point a client down a certain path.

My friend Rebecca tells this story about one of her early experiences as a coach.

“It all started when I wanted to sound smart.”

“I was coaching someone in a career field I knew nothing about. I could tell they were stuck and I really wanted to be the one to offer the solution. Just once I thought it would be great if I had input to share.”

"I knew better. Even before I said it I knew in my gut it would not go well, but I said it anyway. I should have just asked a question, but despite my better judgment I stammered out an innoccuous question like, ’So perhaps the reason giving was down is because it was a holiday weekend?’”

"Complete and utter silence came back from the other end of the phone. It was even annoyed silence, followed by a bored sigh and, ’uh, yes I know that.’”

Rebecca wraps up the story by saying “Well, I’m happy to report that I learned that lesson quickly, AND I felt like a total idiot the rest of the conversation. Right then I committed to myself that I would NEVER again, under any circumstance, offer my genius input to try and sound smart in a coaching conversation. I will just leave behind my own need for a pat on the back.”

When we commit to focusing on the other person, the key is to change the definition and understanding of success. Success in a coaching context is not offering up advice, solutions or brilliant new ideas. Success is drawing out of the client their own thinking, which will ultimately bring about a better outcome than if they took a coach’s idea and ran with it.

You might be asking why it is so important to keep input inside? It is simple really. In Rebecca’s words: When we figure it out on our own we do it. Enough said.

If you tell me what to do, I might smile and nod politely, but usually, I won’t remember what you said, let alone do it. Nothing drives a person away faster than unsolicited advice.

One of the realities of being human is that we like to think of our own ideas. Ownership is one of the most powerful things we can foster in another person and that is the best way to help them change: help them find an idea of theirs that they can own. This leads to action.

But we also like to learn about the people we meet and focus on them. That’s hard for Americans, in general, and people in the church in particular. We have not learned how to focus on others. It’s all about me, me, me. MY personal relationship with Jesus. MY career. MY family or MY church. Even in some cases, MY personal brand.

One of the reasons coaching is so powerful and satisfying is that it demands that you take your eyes off you and your stuff, and leverage the talent, gifts and abilities that God has given you toward another person’s success. By doing this, not only do you get the satisfaction of using your gifts, but they get the benefit of what your gifts can accomplish. Committing to using those gifts to draw out just multiplies both of those outcomes, because both you and the person your focusing on will learn about yourselves and the people around you.

Unsolicited advice is what is modeled all around us. But you can be the exception: Try it out, for five minutes do nothing but focus on the person you are talking to.

Ok, don’t be weird or awkward about it, just simply keep your ideas/input to yourself and instead of saying, “well what about …”

Just say “well what do you think?” If they stammer about and say anything along the lines of “I don’t know” then you are almost there. Ask again. Get them to say something, that is your job.

You will be amazed at the result, and so will they. Likely they will even credit you with the idea, even though you technically said nothing.

Just be warned: This can make the other person uncomfortable. Conversations like this are not a two-way street.

Need some help getting started? Here are six questions you can ask to put another person’s needs/goals in front of your own:

• What are you thinking about today?
• What are you working on?
• What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing right now?
• What are your three biggest dreams in life?
• What’s a memory you have that you’d love to live over again?
• What is something you’d really like to do this year?

Will you commit to trying it out today? I’d love to hear how it goes in the comments!

Based on the feedback I got on my last post, I’ve decided to run with this idea a little bit. These posts are going to be a little bit about coaching, but more about a lifestyle–you know, a way of life.

Maybe it’s a lifestyle of coaching, but I’d like to think of it as a life influenced by coaching skills…changed and informed by coaching skills.

Starting with a question changes things. I dream about that difference. You’re forced to put yourself and your thoughts on the back burner and really pay attention to the other person. You open yourself to a relationship. That takes nerve as well as skill.

Think about it like music. Music requires a relationship.

Someone plays or sings. Someone listens. Two equal parts with different roles and different responsibilities.

Without one portion of the relationship, the music is incomplete. Without the musician, there is no music. Without the listener, what did the music really accomplish?

For music to achieve it’s ultimate aim–to make people feel something–both participants in the relationship feed off each other. The listener welcomes the musician onto the stage or into the spotlight, and invites them to offer something. The musician shares their giftedness…the listener responds. The listener claps…the musician is inspired. It cycles like this in some pretty incredible ways–check out John Coltrane, BB King, Yo Yo Ma, Vince Gill or Kanye’s work.

When you find an artist you like, you start to form a relationship with the artist. When it works, there’s nothing like it.

The relationship goes both ways. And without both parts, something is missing.

Starting with a question sets you up the same way. You invite the otherperson to offer something. When/if they do, you get to share your reaction, just like when you go listen to your favorite musician.

Coaching is much the same. The coach might welcome the person being coached with a question. The leader offers something. The coach responds. The relationship takes off.

That’s the lifestyle of coaching.

What do you think? What would happen if you offered something in your next conversation, even an invitation for the other person to respond? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments…

I have a coach. Well, he’s really more of a mentor. But he coaches me. Although, sometimes, it really is mentoring that he’s doing…

When my coach–who is a Master Certified Coach–and I talk, I tell him what agenda I want to face. He listens, usually with a few clarifying questions to make sure he really gets what I’m talking about. He’ll ask a few questions get me thinking about some new idea or direction. Sessions almost always end with “What are you going to do?” or “How did we do working on your agenda/goal?”

But there have been the occasional conversation where I just have to say to him “What advice could you give me about this?” or “What would you do in this situation?”

In those moments, I don’t want him to coach me…I want him to mentor.

Did you know January is National Mentoring Month? (Before you ask…there’s an International Coaching Week in May.

Power flows in relationship. Most of us know we can go it alone, but do the good things really come when you’re off isolated, by yourself? You know there’s a reason Jesus sent the disciples out 2 by 2, right?

Not being isolated means youve got to make a choice. You always have to CHOOSE to have someone else alongside you, walking the path, going on the journey with you.

Enter the wave of Mentors.
There’s a movement in the world to make mentors. Somewhere along the way, we realized that there is wisdom living in other people AND that we need a repeatable process to transfer wisdom from the-person-who-has-it to the-person-who-needs-it.

Everywhere you look, Radical Mentoring is a conference sponsor. The media has picked it up. Here is a recent article about finding a mentor and the site for The Mentoring Project, an interesting approach to using mentorship to address the father wound. Learn more here. Even Steve Harvey–yes, the guy from Family Feud is getting in on the mentoring wave

This is important to understand, but how does that apply to you, my high powered coach friend? How do you decide if the other person is a coach or a mentor or a coach?

How about a couple basic definitions:
Mentor: A person that has specific skills that are easily observable and possibly learnable. You might be able to pick up new skills or acquire new abilities from their experience. Here’s the challenge: mentoring only works if the person being mentored can name the specific skill that they want.

Coach: A person that has learned how to draw out what’s already in another person. My conviction is that coaching is best for creative breakthroughs. It also works better when you don’t come into a particular conversation with a specific destination in mind. The mental picture I like truly alongside.

The big difference? Who’s got the answers. And how much teaching is going on. In a mentor relationship, the mentor has the know how and the experience. And it’s ready to be taught to the other person. In a coaching conversation, the person being coached has everything they need to move forward, and the coach is there to draw it out of them. No teaching involved.

Think about a music lesson. An experienced teacher would never coach growth out of a new guitarist. Imagine this exchange:

“What do you want to play?”
“Stairway to Heaven.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“I don’t know. What chord does it start with?”
“What chord do you think it starts with?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know what key it’s in.”
“What key do you think it’s in?”

Not going anywhere helpful, is it?

But a mentor approach might sound like this:

“What do you want to play?”
“Stairway to Heaven.”
“Ok. It starts with these two chords and a finger picking pattern. Let me show you…”

And music is made.

See the difference? Which one comes more naturally to you? Which one has more power for you and your relationships? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.